I set high expectations for myself. I want to achieve so much all at once and then it all just gets overwhelming and then I sleep and do nothing. I want to be better than those around me because that makes me a failure. I see people around me doing so well at my age and being successful and I feel hopeless. I feel like my life is not worthwhile.
Envy sucks. It gets to me almost as much as my expectations for myself. I have had so many versions of myself and there are so many different goals and paths that I have wanted to follow. I am now on a path that I can see myself on in the future as well as in this moment, but I feel like I am behind. I am starting at ground zero and I feel like I don’t have a purpose in this world.
Last year in grade 12, I would envy people who got better grades than me, who were more athletic than me, and who, in my perspective, were better than me. I would like some of these people, but at the same time hate them for being better than me, which was a waste of time and energy. This year, I am not envious of my old classmates, who are at university, figuring their life out, but of people who can make a living by spreading their ideas and sharing what they are passionate about. I want to feel accomplished and also change the world. I need to believe in the Law of Attraction or else I am playing the victim and letting the pressure and the envy break me and halt me from doing anything important.
Turning the envy into inspiration, determination, and drive to make my goals possible is difficult. Like seemingly impossible difficult, but for now, maybe taking it slow and doing one project at a time is all that can happen. I don’t know why this is going up on the blog, but I guess it’s gotta go somewhere, right?
Vegan Traveller 